Living and Surviving
by MichelleRae
Summary: She thought she was living. But she wasn't. What she was really doing was surviving. Or at least trying to. This is the life of Bella. Read about how she learned to pick up her life and begin living. Do need to warn you, this story does have abuse and it based on true events. Better explanation inside. Eventual Bella/Jasper.
1. Prologue

**I do need to let you know. This story is basically my story. I'm doing this as sort of a therapeutic thing. My therapist suggested I do it. It's just taken me awhile to get up the guts to do it. I've also got it on Fictionpress. While I welcome any and all reviews I don't want anyone bashing me or telling me I shouldn't do this. By doing this it's helping me move on. This will start off as a Bella/Alec story but will end with being a Bella/Jasper story. With that said, here we go...**

**I only own this story but not the characters. **

* * *

Prologue

I never knew that my life could be like this. I always assumed I'd be in a low income job. Barely making ends meet and not really living life. At least that's what I always told myself. You see, I wasn't always as happy as I am now; living in Los Angeles with one of my best friends. Or going to school for something I always wanted to do. Now, you're probably thinking that I'm going to tell you a story about someone growing up with no parents or an abusive father. Or maybe you're thinking I'm going to tell you a story about someone who grew up on the streets and had to sell her body to get by. Well, I'm not. I'm going to tell you a story about a girl who eventually figured out that she was better off and could make something better of herself. I'm going to tell you a story about a girl who learned how to pick herself up and survive. My name is Isabella Swan and this is my story.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Alec was due home any minute now and he was going to be pissed because the laundry wasn't done and I didn't get a chance to start dinner. He always hates that. He can't stand coming home and nothing that he wants done is done. But, I can't help it. He's not the only one who works.

I finished putting a load in the dryer and started the last load in the washer. After that I went to the kitchen to start dinner. Maybe if I made his favorite; grilled chicken, potatoes and pasta, he wouldn't be so mad. Yeah right, who am I kidding?

XxXxXx

Right as I was taking the potatoes out. I heard the door open and close. I walked out the kitchen to see him with an angry look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing. Just a bad day at work. What's for dinner?"

"Grilled chicken, pasta and baked potatoes." I answered.

He just nodded. "What did you do after coming home from work?" He asked.

I hesitated a little. "Started laundry, cleaned up a little while trying to get dinner together."

He breathed in and then released it.

"Is laundry done yet?"

"One load is in the dryer and the last is in the washer." I answered. Waiting for the anger I knew was to come.

"So it took you until 4:00 to now to get to where you are now in everything? What were you doing? Sitting on your ass?"

"No, Alec. I wasn't. I'm sorry that I'm the only one that busts my ass around here to get stuff done. All you do is sit on your stupid fucking video games or in front of the TV and not do anything. You see it needs to be done but you don't do shit about it!" I responded.

He started towards me. "Do not get that tone with me. You know that I get on my games so I can wind down from the days events and so I don't lash out at you."

"Lashing out? Is that what they call it these days?"

I knew I was pushing him but I was sick of being the blame for everything.

He continued toward me and I found myself backed up against a wall with his arm against my throat.

"You don't get it do you? You ungrateful bitch! You're so stupid it's no wonder you can't get anything right. You can't even get a simple task, like getting the laundry done in a decent amount of time finished."

I struggled against his arm and was slapping his chest.

"You're hurting me!" I cried. "If I had decent help around here I'd get the shit done in a "decent amount of time", then we wouldn't have this argument."

He released me and pushed me away, "I've told you, if you leave me a list or let me know what you want done, I'll do it."

"I shouldn't have to tell you when you can clearly see it needs to be done!" I said in exasperation.

"Whatever, I'm going to get on my computer until you call and let me know dinner is ready. Or did you fuck up with that to?" He responded while walking away.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't leave. Oh yeah, because I'm a coward and feel that I'm admitting defeat by running away like a dog with its tail stuck between its legs.

I go into the kitchen and begin putting the finishing touches on dinner and decide to just make his plate and take it to him. I get a drink out of the fridge and walk to his office.

"Here." I said and sat his plate on the desk; then turned and started walking out.

As usual, I didn't get a "Thank you." Not that I expected it. He never said it.

I went back to the kitchen and made a plate of my own and fixed myself a drink; then walked to the living room and popped in a movie.

I'm used to eating alone. But, you would think that I'd stop letting it get to me.

"Hey sweetheart!" I hear him call. _Now he wants to be sweet._

I got up and walked to his office and stood against the door jamb.

"Yes?" I answered.

"I'm done." He said holding out his dishes.

"You're a big boy, you can take your own dishes to the kitchen." I responded and walked out.

I sat back down to finish my food and heard him walk in the room.

"What's your problem?" He asked.

I sighed and pushed my plate farther up on the coffee table.

"My problem is that I feel like I'm married to a 12 year old instead of an almost 30 year old. You complain that I don't do shit around here yet I'm always cleaning up after you and you blame me for the crap that's left around. I bust my ass at work to you know. Not just you. So I could use a little help. I cook dinner and try to eat my own and you expect me to play maid or waitress and take your dirty dishes."

"You're my wife and the woman of the house it's your job to take care of me and make sure the house is in order." He responded.

I just sat and stared at him, shocked. Did he seriously just say that?

"What the fuck century are you living in? Last I checked it's 2012 and women can actually work and not stay home being barefoot and pregnant. If that's how you want me then, I guess you married the wrong woman."

"I don't care what century we're in. If I want you to do certain things, you'll do them whether you want to or not. Starting with you not back talking me anymore. I want you to show me respect." He answered.

"If you want me to respect you, you have to respect me first." I retorted.

I stood up with my dinner plate and began walking to the kitchen. Turning my back on him. Big mistake.

"I'm not done talking to you." He said while grabbing my arm and swinging me around, causing my back to slam into the wall. **That's gonna be sore tomorrow.**

My plate fell on the floor making a "thud" sound and it landed.

"You're off tomorrow right?" He asked and I nodded. Tears springing into my eyes.

"Good, when I get home; I expect this place to be spotless. No going to your mothers, no going to a friends. No going anywhere. If I find out that you left, there will be hell to pay." He said.

I just nodded my head, afraid to say anything.

"I'm getting in the shower. I expect you in bed when I'm done." He said, shoving me away and walking toward our room.

I slid down the wall. Tears falling down my face. There were times I could stand up for myself and times that I was a chicken shit.

_Why couldn't I leave?_

* * *

***Deep breath* So, that's Chapter One. Chapter Two is coming in a few minutes, just gotta change the names. You know the drill. Be nice...**


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"You need to get out of there Bells." Rosalie, a girl I worked with told me. We were Sales Clerks at Hey Gorgeous in Orange County. She was one of my best friends at work and the only one that really knew the whole story.

"How Rose? There's nowhere I can go. Am I supposed to stay in a cardboard box? Even getting a room at the Motel 6 is impossible. I work at a lowly boutique, in case you've forgotten." I told her

She sighed and just hugged me. "I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to see your face on the news and find out he's killed you. Then I'm gonna have to kill him." She said, laughing weakly.

I choked a laugh and hugged her back tighter.

"That won't happen, I'll get out before it gets that bad. If I have to, I'll sleep on my mom's couch."

She nodded and we both pulled back and looked around to make sure nobody saw our tear fest.

"Come on. We need to finish putting stuff up before we can go home." I said. We finished folding clothes and putting out new stuff and closed shop.

While walking out to our cars my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, what you doing?" It was my mom.

"Just now getting off work and walking to my car with Rosalie. What's up? ", I answered.

"I wanted to call and ask if you wanted to go out with me, Alice, and your brother tomorrow night." She said.

I sighed because I knew she wasn't going to like what I was going to say. "Let me ask Alec and I'll let you know."

She got quiet. "Alright, but you know you shouldn't have to ask permission to see your family. I'm your mother Bella." She responded.

"I know, mama. But you know how he is." I told her.

"I know." She said. "Well, ask him and let me know."

"I will. I love you." I answered.

"Love you too."

Ending the call, I look over and see Rosalie staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

She just shook her head. "Nothing that I haven't already said."

I sighed and walked toward my car. "I'll call or text you if anything happens alright?"

"You better, or I'll have the FBI, CIA, and all those other acronyms after your ass." She answered, trying to lighten the mood.

I laughed. "Alright."

"Love you chick." She called out before getting in her car.

"Love you too!" I called back.

XxXxXxXx

Walking in I knew he was home. I could hear his computer game coming from his office. Putting my purse on the table near the door and dropping my keys, I took a deep breath.

I walked to his office and stood against the door jamb.

"Hey." I said.

He turned and looked at me and actually looked relaxed.

"Hey, I didn't hear you come in." He answered.

I smirked. "Obviously, I heard your game from outside the door." I teased.

He shrugged and said "Oops."

Remembering my conversation with my mom; I asked "You mind if I go out with Mama and Emmett tomorrow night? She called when I got off work."

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"I don't know yet. I wanted to ask you first."

He sighed.

"I guess so. Just don't get anything expensive. Do you want me to go?" He answered.

"It's up to you."

"That's not what I asked Bella." He bit out.

"I'd like you to but if you don't want to go than you don't have to." I told him.

"Fine. What's for dinner?"

"I don't know yet. I came in here right when I got home. I was just about to go to the kitchen and figure that out." I said while turning and walking out.

I looked in the freezer to see what we had and decided on frozen pizza. I was tired from work and didn't really feel like cooking.

I just put the pizza in the oven when I heard him come behind me.

"Pizza?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm tired and don't really feel like cooking." I answered.

He just shrugged and looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"I can't just stare at my wife?"

"Not when you look like you want to hit me or something." I answered.

He rolled his eyes.

"I want to play tonight." He said.

I froze. I know what he meant by "play". I hated it. He wanted to have one of those BDSM relationships. I didn't. It made me feel dirty.

"I already told you how I feel about doing that." I said.

He breathed in and breathed out. "And I told you that the only way for you to get over your fear is to do it anyways." He said through clenched teeth.

"No Alec! This is one time I'm going to stand up to you. I've told you time and time again that I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like feeling degraded. Yet you insist on doing it!" I yelled.

He grabbed me by my upper arms and pushed me up against the counter. I could feel the edge digging into my skin.

He got into my face and began shaking me.

"I am so tired of you disrespecting me and not listening to me. You are going to do this whether you want to or not. It's what I want and it's your job to satisfy me. Now, when dinners ready we'll eat and afterwards, I want you naked and kneeling at our bedroom door." He said shoving me against the counter for good measure.

I stood there hyperventilating and tried to calm my breathing. I was shaking so bad you would have thought I had the shivers. I heard the ding of the stove timer and stood on shaking legs and tried taking the pizza out without burning myself.

He must have heard it to because I heard him come back to the kitchen.

"You have 10 minutes to eat. You know what to do after that." He said making his plate and walking to the living room.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I told you, I'm not doing it." I said with confidence.

He sat his food down and rush toward me, shoving me and causing me to fall.

"And I told you, you are. God, your brother was right. He said you were stubborn and didn't know how to listen when people told you to do things. No wonder your parents did such crappy jobs at raising you and your dad wants nothing to do with you."

He was hitting me where it hurt and he knew it. I didn't say anything. I couldn't

I was going to have to give in.


	4. Chapter 3

I stood in the shower and winced as the water pelted my back.

He used a flogger and because of my "Indiscretions" he was particularly brutal with the hits.

_*Flashback*_

_*smack*_

"_I don't hear you counting." He yelled. I had to count each time he hit me._

"_Five!" I yelled, tears streaming down my face._

_I counted all the way up to ten._

"_Next time you try to disobey me and decide not to satisfy me. It'll be more." He said._

_*End Flashback*_

Coming back to the present I heard the bathroom door open and close. He opened the shower curtain and joined me.

"Does it hurt too bad?" He asked.

I hated that. I hated his hot and cold attitude.

"It stings." I told him, moving away from his touch.

"Come on Bells. Don't be that way." He pleaded.

I spun around, placing my hand on the tile wall.

"Don't be that way?" I spat. "I told you I didn't want to do it in the first place! Now I have marks on my back and probably part of my ass. I may not be able to hug anyone or sit down comfortably for the next few days."

"You'll come to like it eventually." He replied. "It's supposed to be pleasurable for both of us."

"Well it's not pleasurable for me. I don't get pleasure out of you flogging me. I think it's sick and I'll never like it."

"Alright, fine. I won't ask you to do it anymore." He replied.

"Yeah, right. That's what you said last time." I told him and turned to get out the shower.

XxXxXxXx

Lying in bed later that night I heard my phone buzz on the table next to me.

I picked it up and looked at it. I found a text from Rosalie.

_You ok?  
~R_

I replied back.

_No. He made me play tonight.  
~Bells_

_OMG! Are you alright?  
~R_

_I'll talk to you tomorrow. We're in bed and he'll be pissed if I wake him up.  
~Bells_

_Ok. Luv u. Call if you need me. Mean it!  
~R_

_Luv u 2 and I will._

_~Bells_

I placed my phone back on the night stand and gave myself over to unconsciousness.

xXxXxXx

Walking into the back room of work the next day, Rosalie bombarded me.

"Bells!" She yelled, running up to me and hugging me. She noticed my wince of pain and abruptly pulled back.

"Come on. Let's go to the bathroom." She said, taking my hand.

We walked into the bathroom and immediately she spun me around and lifted my shirt.

"Holy shit Bells!" She exclaimed.

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. She came around to the front of me, tears in her own eyes.

"I told him I didn't want to do it. I said I didn't like it. He made me do it anyways." I cried. "Help me get out Rose. Please help me."

She swallowed back a sob that I knew she wanted to let out and gently pulled me in her arms.

"I'll see what I can do. I promise." She said.

Besides my family; she was my only hope. Nobody else really knew what I was going through. She was the only one who knew the full story. My family knew part of it but not all of it. They would go ballistic. Which; they probably should. But, for some God only knows reason. I'm protecting him.

XxXxXxXx

Over the next few weeks I secretly planned with Rosalie on getting away from Alec. Since the flogging incident he hasn't been really mean like usual. He's actually been nice and caring. But I haven't got my hopes up on it staying that way.

My brother's told me that at work he gets irritated easily. They work together at a warehouse company that's family owned. He seems to think that Alec knows what I have planned. I hope not.

XxXxXxX

I was getting ready for work when I heard him come in the room. I looked at him in the mirror that was in our bathroom.

"What time do you get off?" He asked.

"6:00. Why?" I asked, while putting on eyeliner and mascara. He looked at me for a moment.

"I thought we could go out to dinner afterward." He answered.

I put my make-up away and slowly turned around and leaned against the counter. Wondering what was going through his mind. He normally didn't want to go anywhere because he always said we didn't have the money.

"That's fine." I replied. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. We'll figure it out tonight." He answered and walked out the room.

I sighed and finished getting ready for work.

As soon as I walked into work I was ambushed by Rosalie.

"Are you alright today?" She asked as soon as she seen me.

I nodded while answering , "Yeah, I'm fine. He wants to go out to dinner tonight."

She looked at me. "He does? Really?"

"Yeah." I told her while putting my stuff away in my locker.

"Huh." Was her only response.

"I'm not going to read into it. Normally he says we don't have the money to do anything so I'm just going to go with it. I'll let you know if anything happens; like I always do."

"Alright. But, if I don't hear from you; I'm coming to your house. I don't care if the psycho is there." She answered.

I laughed although it wasn't funny. She was right, he is a psycho. I agreed with her anyways.

xXxXxXx

I arrived home a bundle of nerves. I didn't know what to expect from him or what Alec I was going to be seeing tonight.

I walked into the apartment and found him watching TV. He turned and looked at me.

"Hey." I greeted.

"Welcome home." He responded.

"Thanks. You still want to go get something to eat?" I asked.

"Yeah. We're going to Pier 76." He answered.

Now I was curious. That was my favorite restaurant. _What is he up to?_

"Ok, I'll go get showered and changed then we can go."

I walked into our bedroom and took out my phone.

_He's taking me to Pier 76.  
~Bells_

_Wow! Really? He's up to something Bells. It's just a feeling that I have.  
~R_

I had to be honest. Part of me agreed with her. Why else would he be taking me to my favorite restaurant? The other part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. You know the part that wanted to believe that he actually loved me and didn't mean to do half the stuff he did? Yeah, that part.

Shaking myself from my thoughts, I got in the shower. Afterwards, I stood in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear. Finally I decided on a pair of dark wash jeans and a dark blue V-neck shirt. Topping it off with a pair of black flats.

After doing my make-up I took a deep breath and met him in the living room.

_Here goes nothing.._

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**That's probably going to be it for tonight. As I write I'll more than likely update. This is why my other stories were taken down and not updated. I've been working on this. Please review and once again, be nice...**


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